Life

I despise my ex boyfriend and his new wife.

I am so jealous that she got him when she didn't deserve him. I am sad he settled for someone so lame. I miss being with him and knowing he was the one. I was only 18, stupid, clueless, and didn't know what I was doing. He was making bad choices, and doing things way out of his league. I preassured him, he folded, and walked away.

I think back on those times, about how much I loved him and how I miss him, and what I would do differently. I don't know what it is. But every time I think of her winning him, t makes me sick. Am I that big of a loser that he would chose her over me? I am smarter, prettier, more funny, more outgoing, and more advance  than her in everyway. yet, he chose her. I will never understand.

I dont know that I love my boyfriend. we're almost 3 years into this relationship and I wonder how long it will last, if I really love him and is this all there is to life? Finding someone that will stomach you until you die.

I hate men. I hate their intensions, I hate their motives, their ideas, their fondness of sex, their lies, their arrogance, their greed, their lust. Men are no more than a step above animals in my book. Yet, I am attracted to them in many ways. Only the men who seem to be gay.

Maybe it's time

To come back!

We'll see!

The Bitch is back...ladies

I need a break, I need to vent sometimes.

I think I have outgrown xanga, then I realize I have been needing it this whole time.

You know what a sad song is? "Shes leaving home" by the Beatles... its beautiful...

It used to make my hooker sister cry, but shes a hooker now, and dosent seem to feel bad for what she has done to my family.

I miss the life I thought I had. I dont know what I am doing or where I am going. It sucks. I had so many prospective plans fall through, that I dont know where or what I want anymore. it sucks.

I have been to 4 schools in 4 years, prospective student at a number of others, engaged, wedding gown and rings and called off the wedding. Sister, Best friend, daughter, friend, nanny, and thats it...thats all i feel like crap after a year of being in marital (pre-marital) bliss... I feel used and abused dried up stupid and a failure to all the people who love me.

I am a failure to Jer because I am not staying with him, yet I am a failure to my family for staying around and helping him out.

I am a failure for not finishing school and getting a real job.

I am a failure for leaving my little brother for the man I thought I loved.

I am sad that I am not seeing the light, the happiness...etc.

I want to be happy and ignorant again...

AUGH

wow. It's been almost a month since I last updated.... boring you know...school, work, school, work!

I'm taking 16 hours this semester and working 37 hours a week. Can be exhausting!

I am so excited about leaving for school in January! I dont have to work while I am in Nursing School so I am very, very excited about that!

Nothing else really going on!

Love you all..peace out

Gabe came and went and I saw him on Sunday night before he left town. ahhhh I love that kid.

So i am praying for a complete change in my life because i have become someone I dont like. Your prayers would be appreciated.

I lam looking forward to college and a life in a new place. All in January

Did i mention I am going to spend christmas in a Disney World resort!!!!?!?!?  

 BE JEALOUS!

love you all